dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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