Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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