Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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