he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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