I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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