After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize