Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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