He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
