Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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