Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
