Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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