just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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