If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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