i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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