what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
