What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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