hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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