I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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