Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
