I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
third nipple confirmed
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize