so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize