listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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