So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
