So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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