Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
