We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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