i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
