I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you win again, gameday.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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