i drank out of a bidet.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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