My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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