It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
