i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
