I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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