You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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