so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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