I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
