my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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