I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
