i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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