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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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