I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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