There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
