What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
