Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
