you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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