just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
