My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
