dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
