I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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