non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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