i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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