trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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