Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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