Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
