you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
