can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just threw up on my dentist
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
