would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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