come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
