Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
