You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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