Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
