Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
