My sheets look like a crime scene.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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