I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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